Twenty long, boring, wasted years. For what? For who? Who are we responsible for? Our children, yes. Their well being, yes. But at what point are we doing them an injustice? Do we muddle along in life pretending to be happy, just going through the motions.
What is that going to accomplish? Are we living or simply existing? Are we financially crippled? Are we emotionally crippled? Are we just so beaten down with the day in and day out struggles of just trying to get by that we have no energy left to move on?
So I over hear this conversation, two middle aged woman. The woman says “I just want to be single. I don’t want to worry about anyone but myself.”
And it hit me! After 20 years in an unfulfilled marriage it hit me. Why am I worrying about making someone else happy? I’m not happy. If I look back to day one I think I knew it then. But I was young, scared. Scared I would never find a soulmate. Young yes, but old enough to know I wanted a family. Scared at 26 that would never happen. I was brought up in a house where you went to school, not college especially if you were a girl. You got a mediocre job and waited for Mr. right to come take care of you. So if you didn’t have a ring by 25 you were an old maid. Probably never get married or have kids. So we settled. Back then I think we just settled. Maybe not all of us. But I’ve been around a lot of middle aged people and 9 out of 10 settled.
We settled for what? To work our tails off to give our kids everything we didn’t have growing up. The best of everything, clothes, electronics, schooling, the best athletic programs. What we neglected to give them was family values. We were too busy buying them things we again put our happiness on the back burner. And in the end the only thing they learned is that Mommy and Daddy are miserable. They watched us fight over everything and nothing. They sensed the tension, the saw the lack of real family values when we traded traditions for travel teams. Why? because there was no real family commitment. We were going through the motions.
They watched that Dad never smiled and was short tempered because he was so unhappy. They watched Mom go crazy under the pressure of losing control of her life and her happiness. They learned these crazy unhealthy ways by watching and 20 years later I watch and I cry when I see my son miserable and nasty like his Father. I cry when I see my daughter hate being home because she got a taste of life without the tension and turmoil of a household with two people trying to have a marriage that clearly was never meant to be.
When do we throw in the towel? When we hate each other so much that we can’t even coexist and/or co parent together? We’ve already screwed our almost adult age teens up more then we can imagine just by being the worse role models and sorry excuses for a healthy relationship we could have possibly shown them. Our co parenting while together was the saddest excuse of dissfunction and power struggle all at our kids expense. In hindsight I see that now. In the moment that stuff isn’t as clear.
I want happiness. I want my kids to be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I want all that more than anything. I often think of what that woman said about being single and I think how wonderful it would be to take a year, a trial year and just be single! See if I am happier. See if I do miss married life. Take time to find myself. To find my place to watch and nurture my kids in a loving healthy stress free environment. To have the space to make a well thought out decision based on whats best for me. Not whats best for my husband because he may disagree but I know I am definetely not what’s best for him.
It’s time!!! It’s time to stop wasting time! It’s time to start living life the way it was meant to be lived! With peace, with real love, and with happiness!